Redemption

He knelt there at my feet. His tear stroked face looking up at me. Watching the razor, pleading with his eyes. The pain that was so heavily laid upon him.

Why must you, my daughter, why? The words were softly spoken. Whispered as he bowed his head back down. Tears sprang up from my soul, and ran down my cheeks. I was weak. I grasped my wrist, clenching my jaw, praying the tears would go away. Digging my nails into my arm lifting my hand to my mouth to bite out all tension. But the tears wouldn't fade. I fall to my knees as a shudder and gasp for air. Gripping the razor for the life of me. I lay it on my arm. Ready for the pain to release, the blood to run, the tears to subdue. I had been avoiding his gaze, his stare that continued to burden my heart. I shift my eyes to gaze upon him. My heart skips a beat. Every scrape, every tear, evert cut I watched bleed on my arm, he was watching bleed on his own. The blood that ran down my arm, rand down his arm. He looks up. Both of our faces streaked with tears.

Why my daughter? I can take it. I can take it all.

He shared my pain. He felt my tears. He saw my weakness. I cried harder with each breath. Each moment passed slower... and slower. Till time seemed to not exist at all. His hand. His hands were resting on his knees, which was soaked in blood. Not only from the cuts, but the holes in which the nails had been. They still looked fresh. The blood still running from the holes. But there was still little hope, the chains were too heavy the pain too deep. The chains constricted everything within me... directing it towards death. No light could shine in this forever bidden place. Where the Lord of sin sat hungrily behind me. Watching me like his prey, waiting to devour my soul. How could a child, so loved by God, ever get to this point? Brainwashed by sin. Darkness. Escaping hope. Where light cannot reach. 

I stay on my knees continuing to cry.

"I can take it. I can take it all." he repeated between his gasps for his own breath.

How could he ever feel the pain I feel? Someone as perfect as he. To see his dysfunctional child, how beautiful I could be, but I'm weak. There it is. I'm weak, and proud. I could be so much more, but I let sin eat me alive, drown, in the depths of sorrow. Now to the point of self inflicting pain to see if I'm still here. If this is really me. My thoughts fly. I'm not sure I even understand them, I was always the strong one. And look where I am now. My friends always ran to me and here I am slitting my wrists, popping pills. Hoping life would cut me a break.

His stare fell and he who was behind me grasped my shoulders pulling me deeper in. Joy. We as Christians are supposed to express so much Joy. To others. I fail. My Joy, seems so fake to me, but others continue to exclaim of the life I have. Why can I not see? How have I been blinded so? Can I not even find a lil bit of strength within? I've let myself go. Struggling with self image years after year. Diet after diet. Failure after failure. If I'm so weak that I cannot even control something as simple as eating than how shall I ever over come this obstacle? He was laughing again. The master of all evil. He had watched me wander away like the lost sheep I was. He prowled upon his prey, placing trap upon trap. Waiting for his moment. Not knowing what to follow I believed every lie. He was master of deception. I thought he loved me. I thought he would offer me joy. But he was simply the deceiver. The predator. Waiting to claim his kill. I looked down at the running blood and then up into his eyes. Those deep dark holes of nothing, he licked his lips with that sick twisted grin. I want to scream, cry, run. Again the circles repeat. The burn the razor leaves as aftermath of each cut. And yet there he stays by my side. No words any longer leave his lips. He simply stays knelt. Refusing to leave me. He never leaves me. Has he always been there? And if so why has he not protect me? Why has he not been my refuge? He didn't answer me or save me. He didn't rescue me. He was just as weak as me. Kneeling onf the bathroom floor. Bleeding. The Saviour of all things great was here with me at my darkest hour. And yet y heart is still as cold as stone. And darkness still seems to be more inviting. The shadows lurking, consuming me. The next cut was deeper and I saw him flinch. I saw the pain it caused him, and enjoyed it? Had my perception of life become so twisted as to enjoy placing my pain upon someone else? This brought my heart to a halting stop, bringing everything close back to reality. How sick and demented had I become? How much pain must I really feel? My pain and emotions cannot connect. The cut continued to bleed and yet everything within me was numb. Who am I?

I used to be in love. So deeply in love with the man knelt beside me. I trusted him. Wanting to learn everything from him. And then I lived for myself. by myself. Where I could be prey. I fell.

And here I am. Who am I?

I was fake. I still am. I honestly can't way who I am, because I don't know. I've been gone for so long that everything simply doesn't exist in my mind. There is only now. And now is me. In this pitiful scene. Of darkness. Despair. Pain. And Fear.

Fear is the root of all my pain.

Fear of failure.

Fear of tears.

Fear of sickness.

Fear of love.

I'm terrified of everything that can hurt me, which actually causes me to physically hurt myself to see a pain that I need to feel but simply can't due to walls that are so high, I can't even climb them.

Am I earnest enough to stop? I'm so afraid of separation from God. I'm so scared that my heart would become hardened. I'm vexed. So I, against all wills, cut again. And again.

I'm wallowing in the depths of so many sins. The evil one has so much power. How did the leader of deception blind me so well? Cutting. Glutton. Two sins so heavy with burden, these chains I'm wearing, can I please soon break free? I'm stuck in this place. I want to draw near to you, to lose these dark waters, to see and find hope in a new day. This cannot be predestined, effort has to be on both sides. I know your standing in front of so many walls within my heart Lord, and I want you to break them down. I want to let you in. But how can I? I have for so long tried to protect myself. To not feel the pain. I don't even know what lies behind those walls. But if I don't, the number of scars will continue to increase. The preciousness of life will be lost in my heart.

So. Here is my honest plea. I'm weak. I need help. I'm on my knees bowed to a power I can't stand against. I need your strength. I need your comfort. I'm turning to you for refuge, and I pray to find it. I'm crying out to you of lord, and I'm waiting here for you to save me. To be my precious redeemer. I want to embrace this life you've give me. To share joy through all my trials. To run away and defeat all the sins laid deep within me. You are Lord, therefore, you can save me. You can stop me and separate me from sin. And I believe this. You have a plan and make time for everything. Use me. Heal me. Help me. Save me. But please Lord, don't leave or abandon me. And all I really ask of you is to embrace me and love me. Please. Oh Please Lord, Just Love Me.